I'm having a horrible day, horrible. In fact, nothing good has seemed to happen since last Friday. I am at work and cannot concentrate one bit. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.
I'm still having issues at work, really just one girl. She is so freaking rude, and mean, and I just can't handle it anymore. We are in a work place. Any good hard worker will show respect for a co-worker. We are in no way better than one another. We are all here to do the same thing, make our company survive. Do the best we can to take care of our customers. Instead, she feels she can talk down to me. She can refuse to help me when she wants to (even if I have a customer sitting in front of me) And then the comment I receive from coworkers, you two need to work out your issues. WHAT. Are you friggen kidding me. Why is it that I have to work on it when I am nice! I am respectful! I treat her as I'd like to be treated! Yes, WE need to work out our issues. I'm just so tired of it all. I don't' want to do it anymore. I"m tired of feeling really crappy.
The long weekend was not fun either. The man wasn't feeling well Friday so we stayed in and napped. It wasn't bad, just not the best start to the whole weekend. Saturday his parents came in town and it turned out very nice. Although, I always feel like he shoves me off on his mom. No one in the family really pays attention and talks to her. They really just ignore her alot. But, he pushes me off on her to be the one to do it. I don't mind really, but his parents aren't the fondest of me - that's clear. I'm sure my guy could do better than me, but we love each other and that's all that should matter to them. I don't beat him, use him or degrade him. I love him for who he is and take care of him in every way that I can, and that should be enough.
We went to a wine tasting Saturday that flat out just sucked. We ended up the night together in love and happy, it was perfect. Sunday was fine. He took my momma shopping for flowers, we had breakfast, then he went golfing with my cousin for the day. Then we all met up for dinner. It was fun. After that - it all fell apart. We went to a charity event and you know, he had been drinking all day, I really think that was the cause of it..... I was roaming as I normal do when I'm at these types of places. I like to talk to everyone I know there. I like to roam and have fun and just chat. I ran into a old friend and we were hanging out catching up a little. When I walked back to our table, he was mad cause I had been gone too long. It caused a huge huge fight. It just escalated from there. I don't even want to go into it. Fact was, he was mad, he brought someone else into our situation and we are not speaking right now. Gosh, I haven't cried at all yet and it just now came. Why is it when ever things seem to be great - it gets ruined. It may be my fault, it may be his - I really don't care anymore. I'm just sad cause it got to this. I feel every bit of sadness in my body. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I shouldn't be in a relationship. Maybe I am the idiot that is meant to be single for life cause she can't do anything right. Ugh.
Needless to say..... the 30 days lasted maybe 3. I was having just hard days at work and dealing with so much frustration that I'd just come home and would be flipping out, I couldn't calm down. So, it's official, I have no back bone. I suck, I know. I also have broke down on my hard core working out. I haven't gone really hard in weeks. I'm just not in a good place at the very moment.....
I'm exhausted... more later.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, April 13, 2009
Breathe In, Breathe Out
It's sad when you have to remind yourself to do that sometimes. I've been taking a lot more yoga and I'm trying very, very hard to see my third eye. To go into total relaxation. Instead, I'm normally making a list of everything I need to do when I leave there. Or stress about whatever the problem of the day is.
Lots new has been going on. I honestly cannot remember if I've ever spoken about my cousin, the addict before and I'm just too lazy to look at my past blogs right now to see. There's been a lot going on with him. His girlfriend, another female and himself were caught stealing from a big name electronics store, and he had his 11 year old son with him at the time. The cops then searched him and found crack on him. Which therefore means, he's moved past the fenadryl patches that he's been doing for years on to the cheaper faster high. When this information came to us, I was so disappointed. I really do believe the best in people and I truly believed they were done with drugs after this last stint. Especially once he found out that his liver is now shot from all the drugs he has done and that he has hepatitis. Then, he disappeared, but I never thought he'd bring his son into it. I know addicts care about nothing else but that addiction (and don't even know how to care about anything else) but this one really hit home for me. Since this has happened, he went in front of three different judges in three different counties and they ALL let him out on OR Bond (even when he represented himself for 8 counts of passing bad checks!!) He doesn't go back for his first trial until June, so what do we do until then? I feel so bad for the guy, I do. He comes from a line of addiction and his father and uncle would supply him with drugs, take his drugs from surgery and give him something else in it's place. He's been doing this for 15 years now + and is already killing himself at 30. At this point, all he has in his life is his son, brother and sister and me (his mom passed away a year ago). Oh, and let's not forget the girlfriend that has been with him through all of this and is still currently in jail. Yea, sure, here's to hoping she'll stick around for him. He really should not be at his brother or sisters house because they both have children and him being there, being caught on drugs can put them in trouble with child services/endangerment. I cannot have him at my house as I'm not home enough to watch him, babysit him and my boyfriend is just not comfortable with it at all (understandable). We are trying so hard to help him and get him on his feet and keep him actively away from temptations of drugs. We know, if he wants to, he'll do it. But, it can't hurt for us to keep trying with him and not give up the hope. I've let him call me every night while in jail and I'm also letting his girlfriend call while she is in. I'm also letting him come over to my house and speak to her. I don't know why. I shouldn't. But, I just cannot say no. Right now, we just hope and work on it one day at a time with him. Please keep him in your prayers.
My brother has finally gone so far with his alcohol issues that my mom has banned alcohol from the garage. Appearently he got so drunk recently, he fought one of his best friends. That's just not my brother. He never fights. Ever. But, he gets stupid drunk and has no clue what he's doing. In one way, I feel bad for my mom cause she has to be home all the time, babysitting him. Watching the garage, seeing what friends come over, making sure there's no one underage drinking out there, making sure there's no drinking out there now. She can have no life. Then again, I know she is very lonely since her and her boyfriend broke up, so maybe this keeps her busy??? I'd rather have a man and someone who cares about her, takes care of her. Then her having to still raise her 23 year old son!!!
I've finally admitted to myself I also have an alcohol problem. I just cannot stop when I get going. Seems like every time I go out for beers, I have to do 30 shots while I'm drinking too. I then black out and puke all night, but never remember any of it. It's happened more than once since February, so I know I have an issue. I vowed to myself over the weekend to never ever do a shot again. I will hold myself to that. Once I set my mind to something, I do do it, so I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about losing my boyfriend right now for not being able to stop drinking until it's too late. When I have my wine in the evening, I'm not as bad, a couple glasses and I'm good. But, none the less, I need to just face my problems and learn the best way to deal with it. Starting this Friday, I am going on a 30 day diet of absolutely no alcohol. I was originally just doing this to loose weight, but I think it's a good idea just period now. Show myself that I can actually do it. I don't NEED alcohol to relax, I don't NEED it to calm down, I don't NEED it to feel more comfortable. I'll keep you posted with how it goes!
It's not looking anymore like I'm going to make my goal of being in total shape by my 30th birthday. I had to skip so much time at the gym due to sickness this year. I got strep throat twice with in 3 months and I think a big part of it was because I pushed myself so hard to get back to the gym the first time. I also am know longer doing spinning. My knees burn so freaking bad whenever I try taking that class. I am in serious pain and just want to cry, so I've decided to stop. As it gets warmer, I am going to start walking 3 mornings out of the week. I need to do something to get cardio in, that seems like the best right now. I'm also still doing pilates and yoga regularly, hopefully that helps enough. I'll get back into the body sculpting classes too, eventually. I'm still dreading those right now!
I am still with my guy right now, no ring yet. One of my male friends told me today that I have to stop bringing up, so I'm going too. I have to be honest though. If I don't get a ring this year, I think I may have to walk away from him and it scares the heck out of me. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But, I also really want to get married and he knows that. It took me 10 years to find the perfect guy. At this point, I'll be 40 before I find anything close to him again. But, marriage is something I really really want and if he's just not into it, I'm going to have to move on in my life. Who knows though, I still have almost a year. Hopefully he'll change his mind and decided that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me!!!
Lots new has been going on. I honestly cannot remember if I've ever spoken about my cousin, the addict before and I'm just too lazy to look at my past blogs right now to see. There's been a lot going on with him. His girlfriend, another female and himself were caught stealing from a big name electronics store, and he had his 11 year old son with him at the time. The cops then searched him and found crack on him. Which therefore means, he's moved past the fenadryl patches that he's been doing for years on to the cheaper faster high. When this information came to us, I was so disappointed. I really do believe the best in people and I truly believed they were done with drugs after this last stint. Especially once he found out that his liver is now shot from all the drugs he has done and that he has hepatitis. Then, he disappeared, but I never thought he'd bring his son into it. I know addicts care about nothing else but that addiction (and don't even know how to care about anything else) but this one really hit home for me. Since this has happened, he went in front of three different judges in three different counties and they ALL let him out on OR Bond (even when he represented himself for 8 counts of passing bad checks!!) He doesn't go back for his first trial until June, so what do we do until then? I feel so bad for the guy, I do. He comes from a line of addiction and his father and uncle would supply him with drugs, take his drugs from surgery and give him something else in it's place. He's been doing this for 15 years now + and is already killing himself at 30. At this point, all he has in his life is his son, brother and sister and me (his mom passed away a year ago). Oh, and let's not forget the girlfriend that has been with him through all of this and is still currently in jail. Yea, sure, here's to hoping she'll stick around for him. He really should not be at his brother or sisters house because they both have children and him being there, being caught on drugs can put them in trouble with child services/endangerment. I cannot have him at my house as I'm not home enough to watch him, babysit him and my boyfriend is just not comfortable with it at all (understandable). We are trying so hard to help him and get him on his feet and keep him actively away from temptations of drugs. We know, if he wants to, he'll do it. But, it can't hurt for us to keep trying with him and not give up the hope. I've let him call me every night while in jail and I'm also letting his girlfriend call while she is in. I'm also letting him come over to my house and speak to her. I don't know why. I shouldn't. But, I just cannot say no. Right now, we just hope and work on it one day at a time with him. Please keep him in your prayers.
My brother has finally gone so far with his alcohol issues that my mom has banned alcohol from the garage. Appearently he got so drunk recently, he fought one of his best friends. That's just not my brother. He never fights. Ever. But, he gets stupid drunk and has no clue what he's doing. In one way, I feel bad for my mom cause she has to be home all the time, babysitting him. Watching the garage, seeing what friends come over, making sure there's no one underage drinking out there, making sure there's no drinking out there now. She can have no life. Then again, I know she is very lonely since her and her boyfriend broke up, so maybe this keeps her busy??? I'd rather have a man and someone who cares about her, takes care of her. Then her having to still raise her 23 year old son!!!
I've finally admitted to myself I also have an alcohol problem. I just cannot stop when I get going. Seems like every time I go out for beers, I have to do 30 shots while I'm drinking too. I then black out and puke all night, but never remember any of it. It's happened more than once since February, so I know I have an issue. I vowed to myself over the weekend to never ever do a shot again. I will hold myself to that. Once I set my mind to something, I do do it, so I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about losing my boyfriend right now for not being able to stop drinking until it's too late. When I have my wine in the evening, I'm not as bad, a couple glasses and I'm good. But, none the less, I need to just face my problems and learn the best way to deal with it. Starting this Friday, I am going on a 30 day diet of absolutely no alcohol. I was originally just doing this to loose weight, but I think it's a good idea just period now. Show myself that I can actually do it. I don't NEED alcohol to relax, I don't NEED it to calm down, I don't NEED it to feel more comfortable. I'll keep you posted with how it goes!
It's not looking anymore like I'm going to make my goal of being in total shape by my 30th birthday. I had to skip so much time at the gym due to sickness this year. I got strep throat twice with in 3 months and I think a big part of it was because I pushed myself so hard to get back to the gym the first time. I also am know longer doing spinning. My knees burn so freaking bad whenever I try taking that class. I am in serious pain and just want to cry, so I've decided to stop. As it gets warmer, I am going to start walking 3 mornings out of the week. I need to do something to get cardio in, that seems like the best right now. I'm also still doing pilates and yoga regularly, hopefully that helps enough. I'll get back into the body sculpting classes too, eventually. I'm still dreading those right now!
I am still with my guy right now, no ring yet. One of my male friends told me today that I have to stop bringing up, so I'm going too. I have to be honest though. If I don't get a ring this year, I think I may have to walk away from him and it scares the heck out of me. I love him so much and want to spend the rest of my life with him. But, I also really want to get married and he knows that. It took me 10 years to find the perfect guy. At this point, I'll be 40 before I find anything close to him again. But, marriage is something I really really want and if he's just not into it, I'm going to have to move on in my life. Who knows though, I still have almost a year. Hopefully he'll change his mind and decided that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me!!!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
No, I'm not dead
You woulda thought I was though....just fell off the face of the earth. I absolutely hate it when my favorite bloggers don't blog for days. I am way too addicted to escaping into their lives and miss them like crazy when they take a break. Things have just been so busy. I couldn't even begin to tell you everything.
Things are still really good with the man. Living together is going just as well as I had imagined. We have our typical couple problems but are enjoying each other more and more every day. Our biggest item to solve, and something we have never fight about, is money. He takes care of everything. It really is generous of him and I can't figure out enough ways to thank him for it. I'd love to be able to contribute more, but I'm still giving the majority of my paycheck to my momma to help her in anyway I can. I know that him and I both need to sit down after the first of the year and figure it all out, but I'm not stressing over it. We are better off than most people and our lives are fantastic. We both agree, it's just time to buckle down.
Things with mom are still the same. Her house is being foreclosed on and set for sheriff's sale the day after Christmas (really???? Who does this??? Do these mortgage companies not have a heart at all??!?!??!) Luckily, I had a fund leftover from when my dad died. I was saving it for a house and a wedding. Tim bought the house..... and well, we're really not closer to the thoughts of a wedding (more on that later), so I withdrew it all and gave it to her. I'm not asking for it back in anyway. I've got a good life, a great man, more than I ever thought I'd have - it's now time to repay her for being the great mom she has been. It just makes me so mad. She works so hard and has helped others non stop her whole life, she doesn't deserve the stress of all this.
My brother seems to be doing somewhat better. He still has his drinking binges, but they are less and less and I'm so proud of him for this. He did the sweetest thing for me on Thanksgiving. I am not a fan of actual Thanksgiving dressing.....just don't like it. But, I do LOVE Stove Top Stuffing. So, he made sure some was made for me that day. I totally appreciated that. It's not like him at all and it just made me so happy to have him as my brother.
We've had addiction issues other areas in the family. My loving cousin who is 9 months pregnant right now, has a brother who has lost both of his parents. He's had some bad drug addictions, done it all. He also has a 10 year old son. It's all a long story.....but he finally went to his sister recently and asked for help. He has gone through detox, but so far that's it. There just is not anything out there to help addicts and it's so sad. After released from the hospital (they only kept him 3 days, seriously?!?) and there hasn't been anyway for him to get help since. He finally got an appointment with a docter (after waiting at the offices for 3 days) but it wasn't for another month. He doesn't have insurance but has serious mental health issues. So, he's not getting any help with those and it scares the hell out of him that's his not going to be able to stay off the drugs during this time. And his sister who has had pregnancy issues in the past just don't need this stress. His girlfriend, son and him are living in a home with a friend that has no heat or electricity. They've burned a lot of bridges and lost a lot of family and friends due to their addiction. I do not like the thought of them staying in that house at all, much less on Christmas Eve. Especially with a child, he should have a wonderful place to wake up Christmas morning with a tree and presents. So, I've invited the three of them to stay with me Christmas Eve. I've been out shopping for them like crazy. I've really enjoyed buying for his girlfriend because she is so sweet and trying so hard. I know she will totally appreciate everything she gets and just being here and I want to show them how proud of them I am for this. The man is not very excited about them being in our house. He's never really been around anyone with addiction issues and doesn't know what to think or how to deal. I totally understand his feelings, I really do and I appreciate him letting me have them stay.
As for marriage, the subject has def fell off the table for awhile. I've realized that he just isn't ready to share his whole life with me. He won't tell me about anything for days, I can barely get him to talk....but the minute we are around his family or certain friends, he's an open book and talks about things I had no clue were going on his life. This totally bugs the hell out of me. I swear, everything happens in my day, I just get so excited about telling him about. It's just not the same with him. I don't want to marry someone who finds things important enough in his life to share with others.......but not me. If I don't rank up there, then we aren't meant to be married. I'm happy with how we are now. Things are good. We are happy and have settled into a good spot. I still want to get married. I still want to marry him. But it can wait, as long as I know it's out there someday.
I could go on and on, but my fingers are hurting already. I promise I won't be gone as long again.
Things are still really good with the man. Living together is going just as well as I had imagined. We have our typical couple problems but are enjoying each other more and more every day. Our biggest item to solve, and something we have never fight about, is money. He takes care of everything. It really is generous of him and I can't figure out enough ways to thank him for it. I'd love to be able to contribute more, but I'm still giving the majority of my paycheck to my momma to help her in anyway I can. I know that him and I both need to sit down after the first of the year and figure it all out, but I'm not stressing over it. We are better off than most people and our lives are fantastic. We both agree, it's just time to buckle down.
Things with mom are still the same. Her house is being foreclosed on and set for sheriff's sale the day after Christmas (really???? Who does this??? Do these mortgage companies not have a heart at all??!?!??!) Luckily, I had a fund leftover from when my dad died. I was saving it for a house and a wedding. Tim bought the house..... and well, we're really not closer to the thoughts of a wedding (more on that later), so I withdrew it all and gave it to her. I'm not asking for it back in anyway. I've got a good life, a great man, more than I ever thought I'd have - it's now time to repay her for being the great mom she has been. It just makes me so mad. She works so hard and has helped others non stop her whole life, she doesn't deserve the stress of all this.
My brother seems to be doing somewhat better. He still has his drinking binges, but they are less and less and I'm so proud of him for this. He did the sweetest thing for me on Thanksgiving. I am not a fan of actual Thanksgiving dressing.....just don't like it. But, I do LOVE Stove Top Stuffing. So, he made sure some was made for me that day. I totally appreciated that. It's not like him at all and it just made me so happy to have him as my brother.
We've had addiction issues other areas in the family. My loving cousin who is 9 months pregnant right now, has a brother who has lost both of his parents. He's had some bad drug addictions, done it all. He also has a 10 year old son. It's all a long story.....but he finally went to his sister recently and asked for help. He has gone through detox, but so far that's it. There just is not anything out there to help addicts and it's so sad. After released from the hospital (they only kept him 3 days, seriously?!?) and there hasn't been anyway for him to get help since. He finally got an appointment with a docter (after waiting at the offices for 3 days) but it wasn't for another month. He doesn't have insurance but has serious mental health issues. So, he's not getting any help with those and it scares the hell out of him that's his not going to be able to stay off the drugs during this time. And his sister who has had pregnancy issues in the past just don't need this stress. His girlfriend, son and him are living in a home with a friend that has no heat or electricity. They've burned a lot of bridges and lost a lot of family and friends due to their addiction. I do not like the thought of them staying in that house at all, much less on Christmas Eve. Especially with a child, he should have a wonderful place to wake up Christmas morning with a tree and presents. So, I've invited the three of them to stay with me Christmas Eve. I've been out shopping for them like crazy. I've really enjoyed buying for his girlfriend because she is so sweet and trying so hard. I know she will totally appreciate everything she gets and just being here and I want to show them how proud of them I am for this. The man is not very excited about them being in our house. He's never really been around anyone with addiction issues and doesn't know what to think or how to deal. I totally understand his feelings, I really do and I appreciate him letting me have them stay.
As for marriage, the subject has def fell off the table for awhile. I've realized that he just isn't ready to share his whole life with me. He won't tell me about anything for days, I can barely get him to talk....but the minute we are around his family or certain friends, he's an open book and talks about things I had no clue were going on his life. This totally bugs the hell out of me. I swear, everything happens in my day, I just get so excited about telling him about. It's just not the same with him. I don't want to marry someone who finds things important enough in his life to share with others.......but not me. If I don't rank up there, then we aren't meant to be married. I'm happy with how we are now. Things are good. We are happy and have settled into a good spot. I still want to get married. I still want to marry him. But it can wait, as long as I know it's out there someday.
I could go on and on, but my fingers are hurting already. I promise I won't be gone as long again.
Monday, July 14, 2008
I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now
I'm so confused. I guess I should play catch up to start.
The past few months with my wonderful boyfriend have been great. We had our vacation, which wasn't Disney as planned due to weather issues, but he came up with a great back up plan that totally hit the spot. We had a long weekend of just relaxing and each other and it was perfect. Also, since then, he's bought a fantastic townhouse and we've moved into together. He's helped me by paying a lot of my debt off (it wasn't much, but it was enough for me to not ever have any spending money). And he's purchased a new car for us to share, since my lease is up and he's due for a new one. He walks to work, so it really should work out perfect. Sometimes I wake up and just can't believe how lucky I am to have him. This past weekend he took me to Chicago for my 29th birthday. I don't know what to say about the weekend. I know he tried REALLY hard and I know he did everything he could to make the weekend perfect. But, I'm so upset about the outcome. First, I've never had a guy do much for my birthday and I've certainly never had a present to open from a guy. So, he says he's taking me to Chicago, I thought he'd have something special planned. Like maybe dinner reservations with the restaurant singing me Happy Birthday, just maybe....yea, nope. He didn't even have reservations at the one restaurant I requested we go to so we couldn't get in!!!
And after all that has happened with us, I honestly thought he was going to propose this weekend. I really did. It's probably stupid on my part because before we started dating, when we were just friends, he told me that didn't see any reason in marriage if you weren't having kids. We've already decided that we are not planning on having kids, totally agreement on it. But I thought, once he found someone he loved and wanted to make happy, he'd want to spend the rest of his life with them (I even told him that back when we were just friends before the thought of dating even crossed our minds.) Anyways, he tells me while we're in Chicago that we are going to Tiffany & Co. Of course, I'm thrilled, beyond belief. I thought, yes, this is it. Makes total sense. Our one year anniversary is a week away. Things have been perfect. We know we are meant to be. Chicago was the first place we declared our love for each other. This was going to be the weekend. Boy, was I dead wrong. We went to Tiffany to get me the matching bracelet to the necklace I have. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not a total selfish bitch and not appreciating what I have. I totally love this bracelet. I think it looks perfect on me. I love him for getting it for me and being so excited to get it for me. It's just not the ring. It's not him saying how much he loves me and loves waking up to me everyday, loves coming home to me everyday, loves being with me and wants to forever. It was a bracelet. I can't lie, I'm totally bummed. I'm turning 30 in a year. 30. And there's no chance in hell of me being close to marriage before than. No chance. I'm going to be 30 and unmarried......and feeling like I'm with one of those man who will never marry me. I know, I seem like I'm whining and I guess I am. I'm just dissapointed. I've never really been able to count on anyone and this is this is the first person ever I feel like I can count on. I just wish I knew he would be there forever. I actually have been telling everyone that I didn't want anything for my birthday. Things have been so perfect for me the past year and I've seen my family go through hell, but deep down, I want to finally be happy forever and know the man who makes me happy will always be there. So, just between you and I, I really wanted the ring. Maybe I just don't deserve it......
Anyways, so we came home from Chicago today and he goes to HIS computer to upload the new IPhone stuff and is gone forever. I'm thinking this can't take any longer than 20 minutes. Well, over an hour later, he finally comes up from the computer room. At this point, I've been thinking and fuming for over 40 minutes and am livid. What the hell was he doing down there????? Needless to say, it ended up in a big fight. He doesn't understand why I would even question what he was doing and I'm sitting here thinking about woman anonymous 7. I'm trying to figure out why he doesn't want to share everything with me as I do him. Literally everything that happens in my life, I CANNOT wait to tell him. I'm usually emailing, texting or calling him immediately to tell him because I just LOVE to share with him. Yet, he has no interest. If I don't flat out ask him something, I never know. So, I have to flat out ask him what he's doing down there and he gets mad at me for even asking. Well, maybe if you shared just a little tiny bit with me, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering constantly what the hell is going on?!?!?! Maybe I wouldn't be worried then. So he throws in my face how he never worries about what I'm doing - well of course you don't, cause I freaking tell you everything. I know it all revolves back to what happened this weekend and I'm taking it out in another way. Not that this stuff doesn't bother me, but I usually just let it go.....but, now that I'm fed up about something else, it all comes out.
Nothing really new on the home front. My mom is still struggling financially. I still give 80% of whatever left over money I have from my pay check to her. I'm hoping I can save her house and eventually make it totally livable, because I hate the thought of my mom living in crappy conditions while I am living in this glorious home. I don't get to talk to her everyday now that I've moved out. I never know her work hours so I try not to bother her until after 8 and then she's usually too tired to talk. It's hard not talking to her every day but in the same second, I don't have her telling me all the bad stuff my brother is doing, or whatever else is stressing her out - which in turn totally stresses me out.
My brother has to go do a 3 day rehab stint for a DUI turned reckless OP he got this past November. His drinking has gotten even worse. Pretty much out of control. He has allienated all the "good" friends he had. He has really hurt the best guy he had in his life. And there are many nights I wake up scared to death that he's either going to lose his life, or his freedom. We are hoping that the 3 day stint will end up requiring him to have additional counseling. He's not the smartest kid on earth. I totally see him telling the couselor how he drinks 8/9 + beers a day. He'll tell them without realizing what he's saying. I'm hoping and praying that he'll be required to do more and that it will all finally help. This is pretty much our last hope at the moment. Please keep us in our prayers.
One more thing I have to talk about. My Uncle that passed away a couple months ago set up everything in an estate to go to auction. The auction was a couple weekends ago. That was one of the hardest things I've ever been too. My mom, brother, sister and I were the 4 closest people to him besides his sister. We spent a lot of time with them, especially growing up. I felt like he had worked so hard his whole life for everything he had and here were random people bidding on all his possessions. It just seemed so sad. I had a very hard time watching it and have decided I never want my life to come to that. None of this mattered to any of these people like it did him and somehow they got it, for cheap.
I just realized how I never have to talk about my sister. Yea, that's cause she's pretty close to perfect. She's beautiful, has a great head on her shoulders and is working hard to better herself. When my brother has his loser friends over and in the garage, she'll go outside and not think twice about telling any of the boys off. She'll stand her ground and put up a fight to defend my mom. I'm very proud of her for that. We are 9 years apart though. I was always a parental figure in her life and it's hurt our relationship as sisters.....every day we come close though.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
News
I'm dying to tell you all about my vacation that I got for Valentines Day and my surgery....but I just have not had the time. I've been so swamped lately. But, there is something I have got to get off my chest. Did anyone watch the news special last Friday on Prostitution in America. It was 20/20 or Dateline or one of those news shows. I was disgusted watching it. I know there is prostitution, we all know there is prostitution, but how about if we do a huge news story on it so now men have even more of a clue or a thought on how to cheat. It really ticked me off. I watched it with my boyfriend and his jaw was hanging open. He had no clue how big it was....and now he does. Gee, thanks. I was also really ticked off over the whole Vegas bunny ranch portion. I have had difficult instances already with that place. I've had numerous men tell me numerous stories about their trips there and then dealt with an ex attending it on his last supposed "guys only" trip. The place is disgusting in my opinion. And those stupid slut bitches had the nerve to say on that program 'girls, make sure to give your man what he wants when he wants because if you don't, he'll find it some one who will'. Gee, thanks hookers for reminding me why I have such an issue with trust and being in a loving relationship.
Monday, March 3, 2008
How can a person trust?
I have got some serious relationship issues. It’s really strange for me because when I am single, I am the most confident person around. I can walk into a room and rule it, because I’ll be so confident. But the minute I’m in a relationship, I lose all of that confidence. I don’t have how to fix it, but it creates a lot of trust issues for me also.
I know the confidence and trust issues have lot to do with my past. You name it, I’ve been through it.
My mom was one of the only people I trusted and she non stop picked on me growing up. I never felt pretty enough or good enough with her. She always made me feel downright ugly and insecure. I know she was just joking and that didn’t make her the best mother because she did that, but it happened. And I know she regrets it. But, I relive those days over and over. Especially now, when men downgrade anything about me.
I dealt with my parents divorce, due to my dads non stop cheating. There is only one, ONE, couple out of both my mother and fathers family that never cheated on each other. I grew up dealing with no reason for trust around me.
And I myself have been ran through the ringer by guys. I’ve had guys cheat on me and lie to me like crazy. I don’t know how I’ve ended up with these types of men over and over but it always seems to happen to me. I’ve dealt with it all. My boyfriend sleeping with my best friend (while I was asleep in the next room). I’ve walked in on my boyfriend at a bar getting oral sex from random girl that he had been checking out all night. I’ve had girls come up to me at bars or events, showing me a slip of paper with my mans phone number on it, saying to me ‘you have him tonight, but he’ll be with me tomorrow’. I’ve had an ex take a girl to MY apartment to cheat on me. I’ve had the slut girl that lives in town after one of my boyfriends and even though he swore he hated her, you guess, he still slept with her.
This is just the beginning of a long list of things that have happened to me. Just the beginning. I’ve also had the drug issues. I had a boyfriend keep hidden from me for 2 years that he was coke turned into crack addict. (I knew he drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed and I did not like it at all and constantly begged him to stop, but he obviously didn’t.)
The sad part is, I’m a VERY sexual person. I love to have sex. If I am feeling secure and safe in my relationship, my man gets what he wants, when he wants. I can see no reason for someone to feel the need to cheat on me. Like I don’t’ give them enough. Or I’m not good enough. Granted, if I don’t have that safe secure feeling (and I obviously haven’t in a very long time) I am not as sexual as I can be. But, that does not give ANY MAN the excuse to cheat!
I know that I somehow unknowingly put myself into these situations, but I really don’t go looking for it. At it’s not that I stuck around for it after things like this happened. If someone cheats on me one time, I’m done. NO ifs, and or buts. I can admit, I’m more lenient that I ever should be with the lying. I’ve given people so many chances in my life. Many more than they ever deserved. I guess I also see the good in someone. I know it’s there. I am always very hopeful that I can bring it out in them.
And then, I always have in the back of my head that the women who did give everything they had and fully trust someone….and then got burned more than I ever have. One of my favorite blogs that I follow http://womananonymous7.blogspot.com/, is exactly my fear. What if I do give everything and I am made to feel totally stupid again.
The thing is, I know there is someone out there for me. I know. I firmly believe that god puts someone made perfectly for you on this earth and I’ve always kept looking for it. Kept trying again.
And now, I’ve found him, I’ve found the one. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man who I have so much fun with, love to talk to, just spend time with and that makes me so incredibly happy. After all of these times of being burned so badly though, I’m so scared of screwing it up. I can’t trust. I just can’t. I thought that once I found him, I’d be able to feel those trust feelings and feel safe but so far it hasn’t happened. Because of this, I am scared to death I’ll lose him. No man wants to deal with my questioning everything. Not being able to trust him and just let things go. No man wants to have to reassure his girlfriend over and over. Or watch me feel so insecure about myself every time we are out and about. (Oh my god, he probably doesn’t realize it but when we are out, I am constantly watching his eyes to see what and who he is looking at. Making sure he’s not flirting with another girl while I’m sitting right there. Because, yup, I’ve dealt with it.) No man wants to deal with issues like that. I understand that.
I can say I was starting to trust him more than I have anyone else. And then… we had like 3 incidents in a row, including last weekends issues with his friend, that just made me step back re evaluate our situation. I don’t want to get burned again. I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m less than I’m worth. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I want to be the one and only girl my man needs. I want to know that I make him so happy, he doesn’t need anything else. I know it exists and damn it, I WANT IT.
I can say that after my past relationship, which consisted of constant cheating, verbal abuse and violence, I was done. I am very OK being single. I have no issues with being on my own. That’s how my life was going to be from now on. THEN I met Tim. He just lights up my life completely. And I want to spend every waking moment with him possible. But I am still constantly scared.
I know that I just need to let go. If I get hurt, I get hurt. There’s nothing I can do about it. I know this. But it’s a lot easier said than done, isn’t it?
It all scares me for my sister too. She’s is a beautiful, bright, happy girl. Just like me, she is so confident in herself as a single girl. She stands up for herself and will not do anything she doesn’t believe in, no matter what. But, when it comes to guys, she’s had nothing but problems so far. And I see the fear and the same trust issues in her. How can she not? After seeing what both her mom and her sister have gone through? I’d be scared to death too.
I don’t want these trust issues to ruin my life. Or the relationship with the man that makes me so incredibly happy. I just don’t know how to overcome them. I can only hope and pray that over time, they WILL go away.
I know the confidence and trust issues have lot to do with my past. You name it, I’ve been through it.
My mom was one of the only people I trusted and she non stop picked on me growing up. I never felt pretty enough or good enough with her. She always made me feel downright ugly and insecure. I know she was just joking and that didn’t make her the best mother because she did that, but it happened. And I know she regrets it. But, I relive those days over and over. Especially now, when men downgrade anything about me.
I dealt with my parents divorce, due to my dads non stop cheating. There is only one, ONE, couple out of both my mother and fathers family that never cheated on each other. I grew up dealing with no reason for trust around me.
And I myself have been ran through the ringer by guys. I’ve had guys cheat on me and lie to me like crazy. I don’t know how I’ve ended up with these types of men over and over but it always seems to happen to me. I’ve dealt with it all. My boyfriend sleeping with my best friend (while I was asleep in the next room). I’ve walked in on my boyfriend at a bar getting oral sex from random girl that he had been checking out all night. I’ve had girls come up to me at bars or events, showing me a slip of paper with my mans phone number on it, saying to me ‘you have him tonight, but he’ll be with me tomorrow’. I’ve had an ex take a girl to MY apartment to cheat on me. I’ve had the slut girl that lives in town after one of my boyfriends and even though he swore he hated her, you guess, he still slept with her.
This is just the beginning of a long list of things that have happened to me. Just the beginning. I’ve also had the drug issues. I had a boyfriend keep hidden from me for 2 years that he was coke turned into crack addict. (I knew he drank a lot and smoked a lot of weed and I did not like it at all and constantly begged him to stop, but he obviously didn’t.)
The sad part is, I’m a VERY sexual person. I love to have sex. If I am feeling secure and safe in my relationship, my man gets what he wants, when he wants. I can see no reason for someone to feel the need to cheat on me. Like I don’t’ give them enough. Or I’m not good enough. Granted, if I don’t have that safe secure feeling (and I obviously haven’t in a very long time) I am not as sexual as I can be. But, that does not give ANY MAN the excuse to cheat!
I know that I somehow unknowingly put myself into these situations, but I really don’t go looking for it. At it’s not that I stuck around for it after things like this happened. If someone cheats on me one time, I’m done. NO ifs, and or buts. I can admit, I’m more lenient that I ever should be with the lying. I’ve given people so many chances in my life. Many more than they ever deserved. I guess I also see the good in someone. I know it’s there. I am always very hopeful that I can bring it out in them.
And then, I always have in the back of my head that the women who did give everything they had and fully trust someone….and then got burned more than I ever have. One of my favorite blogs that I follow http://womananonymous7.blogspot.com/, is exactly my fear. What if I do give everything and I am made to feel totally stupid again.
The thing is, I know there is someone out there for me. I know. I firmly believe that god puts someone made perfectly for you on this earth and I’ve always kept looking for it. Kept trying again.
And now, I’ve found him, I’ve found the one. The man I want to spend the rest of my life with. The man who I have so much fun with, love to talk to, just spend time with and that makes me so incredibly happy. After all of these times of being burned so badly though, I’m so scared of screwing it up. I can’t trust. I just can’t. I thought that once I found him, I’d be able to feel those trust feelings and feel safe but so far it hasn’t happened. Because of this, I am scared to death I’ll lose him. No man wants to deal with my questioning everything. Not being able to trust him and just let things go. No man wants to have to reassure his girlfriend over and over. Or watch me feel so insecure about myself every time we are out and about. (Oh my god, he probably doesn’t realize it but when we are out, I am constantly watching his eyes to see what and who he is looking at. Making sure he’s not flirting with another girl while I’m sitting right there. Because, yup, I’ve dealt with it.) No man wants to deal with issues like that. I understand that.
I can say I was starting to trust him more than I have anyone else. And then… we had like 3 incidents in a row, including last weekends issues with his friend, that just made me step back re evaluate our situation. I don’t want to get burned again. I don’t want to be made to feel like I’m less than I’m worth. I don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I want to be the one and only girl my man needs. I want to know that I make him so happy, he doesn’t need anything else. I know it exists and damn it, I WANT IT.
I can say that after my past relationship, which consisted of constant cheating, verbal abuse and violence, I was done. I am very OK being single. I have no issues with being on my own. That’s how my life was going to be from now on. THEN I met Tim. He just lights up my life completely. And I want to spend every waking moment with him possible. But I am still constantly scared.
I know that I just need to let go. If I get hurt, I get hurt. There’s nothing I can do about it. I know this. But it’s a lot easier said than done, isn’t it?
It all scares me for my sister too. She’s is a beautiful, bright, happy girl. Just like me, she is so confident in herself as a single girl. She stands up for herself and will not do anything she doesn’t believe in, no matter what. But, when it comes to guys, she’s had nothing but problems so far. And I see the fear and the same trust issues in her. How can she not? After seeing what both her mom and her sister have gone through? I’d be scared to death too.
I don’t want these trust issues to ruin my life. Or the relationship with the man that makes me so incredibly happy. I just don’t know how to overcome them. I can only hope and pray that over time, they WILL go away.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It's been awhile.....Sorry!
It has been awhile and so many things have been going on. I’m really not even sure were to begin!
Well, first, I had quite a scare. We found a lump in my breast in early February (thank god for my man feeling me up constantly!) and Tim insisted we get it taken care of immediately. Which, it is good thinking, we do have breast cancer running through both sides of my family horribly bad. So, this whole month, I’ve been going through all kinds of tests. Breast ultra sound, a mammogram (not as bad as I feared). Turns out, I have a fibrocystic cyst so I am very thankful. However, my surgeon does want me to have the lump removed ASAP, we are doing that surgery mid March.
On top of that Tim rolled his car on his way to a college recruiting visit for work last week. That was a very scary phone call. He was the only one involved and had hit some black ice and he was OK – but it was still scary. Plus, a cop had just taken him to a gas station and he was 3 hours away. I did not know what to do or how to handle it. Luckily, his work sent someone to pick him up and he got a flight home and made it home that day yet. I went to his place and waited for the driver from the airport to drop him off. I was so happy to see him walk in the door and be OK. This is the first person outside my family that has meant everything to me and it was scary to think I could have lost him.
Speaking of him, he is the best man on earth. I could not have asked for a better guy to come into my life. For Valentines Day, even though I asked him to not get me anything because I’m so poor and can’t do the same in return – he, of course, did. And it was craziness! He planned a whole trip to Disney World for us! How amazing is that??? I’ve never been and he’s always known I’ve wanted to go. Plus, we’ve both been so stressed my work and are having major cabin fever. He thought this would be the perfect get away for us and he’s right! We leave in 9 days and I am so excited! This is something we will both enjoy. We’ll get to drink all day and just act like kids at the same time!
I went to meet his family and friends for the first time last weekend. I really loved his parents. They were very nice and welcoming of me. They didn’t ask a ton of questions, but enough to show they cared. I met his sister, brother in law and nieces for lunch on Sunday and they seemed like a well rounded good family. His sister was quiet and I appreciated that. I think she was just really taking me in to see if she liked me or not. (We were fighting that day badly, but I did my best to act like the perfect girlfriend so she did like me!) His family is so totally different from mine. They don’t talk daily like we do and rarely really see each other. I don’t think I could do that, I need at least a daily dose of my mom. But it really does work for them. Plus, they are much more refined than I’ve ever been around. Prayers were said before the meal and it was as goofy and childish as myself and my family can get around each other.
I also met his best friend and that did not go well at all. His friend was definitely trying to start fights between Tim and I. And he was very openly making fun of me. I find this funny because neither him nor his girlfriend are good looking people. And this is a guy that does LARPing, which is Live Action Role Playing. The only thing I can figure that comes close to explaining it is Dungeons and Dragons. They dress up and act out stuff. How much more geeky can you get?? I did not go into this judging him in any way or considering him anything. But, don’t try and look down on me and think you’re better. And the fact that he is Tim's best friend but was trying to ruin what makes Tim happy by causing fights between us, I have to step back and wonder what kind of friend this is. I did tell Tim how I feel about him and that I won’t be going out of my way to hang out with them ever again. Tim is more than welcome to, but I’m not going to be treated like that. Luckily, they live 3 hours away, so it’ll only be rare instances.
Because of how his friend was, that’s why we were fighting so badly at lunch with his sister. I shouldn’t say we were fighting, I was really upset and hurt of the whole evening and I was questioning our relationship. Amazingly, Tim figured out on his own why I was so upset and we’ve talked about it and he’s doing his best to make it up to me.
Work has finally slowed down a bit and I’m getting to enjoy life again. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep updating things more!
Well, first, I had quite a scare. We found a lump in my breast in early February (thank god for my man feeling me up constantly!) and Tim insisted we get it taken care of immediately. Which, it is good thinking, we do have breast cancer running through both sides of my family horribly bad. So, this whole month, I’ve been going through all kinds of tests. Breast ultra sound, a mammogram (not as bad as I feared). Turns out, I have a fibrocystic cyst so I am very thankful. However, my surgeon does want me to have the lump removed ASAP, we are doing that surgery mid March.
On top of that Tim rolled his car on his way to a college recruiting visit for work last week. That was a very scary phone call. He was the only one involved and had hit some black ice and he was OK – but it was still scary. Plus, a cop had just taken him to a gas station and he was 3 hours away. I did not know what to do or how to handle it. Luckily, his work sent someone to pick him up and he got a flight home and made it home that day yet. I went to his place and waited for the driver from the airport to drop him off. I was so happy to see him walk in the door and be OK. This is the first person outside my family that has meant everything to me and it was scary to think I could have lost him.
Speaking of him, he is the best man on earth. I could not have asked for a better guy to come into my life. For Valentines Day, even though I asked him to not get me anything because I’m so poor and can’t do the same in return – he, of course, did. And it was craziness! He planned a whole trip to Disney World for us! How amazing is that??? I’ve never been and he’s always known I’ve wanted to go. Plus, we’ve both been so stressed my work and are having major cabin fever. He thought this would be the perfect get away for us and he’s right! We leave in 9 days and I am so excited! This is something we will both enjoy. We’ll get to drink all day and just act like kids at the same time!
I went to meet his family and friends for the first time last weekend. I really loved his parents. They were very nice and welcoming of me. They didn’t ask a ton of questions, but enough to show they cared. I met his sister, brother in law and nieces for lunch on Sunday and they seemed like a well rounded good family. His sister was quiet and I appreciated that. I think she was just really taking me in to see if she liked me or not. (We were fighting that day badly, but I did my best to act like the perfect girlfriend so she did like me!) His family is so totally different from mine. They don’t talk daily like we do and rarely really see each other. I don’t think I could do that, I need at least a daily dose of my mom. But it really does work for them. Plus, they are much more refined than I’ve ever been around. Prayers were said before the meal and it was as goofy and childish as myself and my family can get around each other.
I also met his best friend and that did not go well at all. His friend was definitely trying to start fights between Tim and I. And he was very openly making fun of me. I find this funny because neither him nor his girlfriend are good looking people. And this is a guy that does LARPing, which is Live Action Role Playing. The only thing I can figure that comes close to explaining it is Dungeons and Dragons. They dress up and act out stuff. How much more geeky can you get?? I did not go into this judging him in any way or considering him anything. But, don’t try and look down on me and think you’re better. And the fact that he is Tim's best friend but was trying to ruin what makes Tim happy by causing fights between us, I have to step back and wonder what kind of friend this is. I did tell Tim how I feel about him and that I won’t be going out of my way to hang out with them ever again. Tim is more than welcome to, but I’m not going to be treated like that. Luckily, they live 3 hours away, so it’ll only be rare instances.
Because of how his friend was, that’s why we were fighting so badly at lunch with his sister. I shouldn’t say we were fighting, I was really upset and hurt of the whole evening and I was questioning our relationship. Amazingly, Tim figured out on his own why I was so upset and we’ve talked about it and he’s doing his best to make it up to me.
Work has finally slowed down a bit and I’m getting to enjoy life again. Hopefully I’ll be able to keep updating things more!
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